foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
