I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
