Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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