I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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