"it" just moved
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
