and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
