I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
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You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
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Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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