I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
