He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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