Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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