I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
