Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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