I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Randomize
