Ambien. No doubt about it.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
