Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
