I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
