Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
