census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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