the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Did you just see the Batmobile???
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
