just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
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Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
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My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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