I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
