Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
