and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
