she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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