Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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