It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
