im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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