dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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