What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
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