Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
