You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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