He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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