cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
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