Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
