your room smells of hookers.
And success
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
