I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
