Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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