I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
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