nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
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When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
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Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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