Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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