I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
