Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
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I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
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Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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