I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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