I think I won the penis lottery.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Randomize
