I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
