Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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