Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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