her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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