she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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