FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
