I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
