My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
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just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
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He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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