theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
