Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize