Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
