mondays should just be called national damage control day
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
