During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
