i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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