My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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