thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
