considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
