I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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