I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He felt like a one man threesome
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Randomize
