My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
