do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
