Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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